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 in response to JLM...   Love this.

 in response to Peaches53...   Did you see it coming? Were there any signs that he would do something so devastating? I was not aware. We had our problems like every marriage but I never knew he was so capable of something so ugly. Keep in touch

 in response to JLM...   Thank you and AMEN to this. I know I am a threat and the Devil hasnt allowed me to come up for air. Please keep me in prayers as I am now again crossing another dark tunnel.

 in response to JLM...   i needed to hear that,its so true,but so easily forgotten

Jesus

 in response to Confused77...   Your journey, is shared with many women. However, Romans 8:28 and Genesis 50:20 are two scriptures I desired to share with you to treasure. You will heal, and the value of a lesson learned is a mental asset. The next time you think of loving, and sharing your authentic love-a reminder of the horrific experience may register. Life goes on if you learn and release the past with forgiveness. The cognitive is what we learn from the environment of our surrounding, change, deliverance, and discipline to love the chosen mate comes from walking and talking with the LORD.

I had a step father you &him look so much alike you could be father& son. I wach you ever day on tv. and this is how my life became so bad becaus he was so intoo me then my own mother. And that"s keep"s me sick &can"t move on with my life

 in response to Confused77...   we all go through trials in our life but if we would take a moment and realize that things dont just happen we would realize God is in control and he will make whatevers wrong in your life right. just hold on & stand through the storms, hurt &pain. He will step in & it wont be long. Be strong...

( continued from the posts below) I against my better judgement helped him get into treatment, and told him there was only one person who I know of that could help you in this situation, and that was Jesus! We at first were just friends and I encouraged his walk with god. I had seen alot of changes in him since he was born again, was taking medicine and going to therapy. He was a different person! It was amazing! It was like night and day. Even my family saw the difference in him and was blown away by the changes. His family was livid though. Even though they were thankful to me for getting him help, they did not understand. They wanted to know why he was so different and had to change so much from the person he used to be. They wondered where their cursing, smoking, drinking, crazy guy was and they wanted and wished for him back. They were angry, And they blamed me for it. "he was so much cooler before" they said. I told them he was miserable and suicidal before, and with god he had found happiness. Would you rather have him like this, or dead? I could not believe they were acting like this! His daughter from his previous marriage ( who is wonderful, and I get along great with. She was raised far away from his family for the most part) told me that he family thinks I put some voodoo curse on him! Omg! It's crazy! Anyway time went on and he got stronger in his walk, and as a person. He was doing so well and we were getting along well. I started seeing him become the man I always knew was in there underneath all the layers of dysfunction. I started remembering why I loved him in the first place. I fell back in love with him. We started dating again, but took it very slow because I was scared. I could not deal with anymore of this craziness. I wanted to see hat this was real. After almost a year of dating cautiously, he asked me to marry him and I said yes. At first, I was so happy and not worried at all. Nothing had changed in his behavior, he was still being the new man In god, instead of he "old mean"(as I named the old him) guy he used to be. Then doubts started creeping in. A nagging tiny voice started telling me that this was wrong and I did not know why. I told my family and friends and they said that it was just paranoia from the past, and he had changed and it was just me having cold feet. I told myself to shake the doubt, trust that he was a new man in god, and that there was nothing to fear. We were married on 7/7/07. Gods perfect number of completion. At first things were wonderful. We were happy and planning our future. Things stayed good for about a year. Then all of a sudden he started to do and say little things that reminded me of the "old mean" guy that I hated so much. I would tell him "i see old mean _______ coming back" and he would say "no!!! I hate that guy! I never want to be him again" in a very upset way, like he truly hated him too and was not proud of himself for doing that. You could see that he was trying to check himself and not let himself be that person again. Then the instances of his started getting worse and more frequent. He was getting back into the rude way of talking to me, very nasty and inconsiderate. Very suble though. Like at first I just thought he was just having a bad day, then it got more blatant. And I just could not ignore it anymore. I spoke to him about it and he started getting belligerent again, telling me that he said nothing wrong and I was nagging. That I was just wanting to "start fights" and "I expected him to be like me, sorry I can't be you" I have never wanted him to be like me, I have only ever wanted him to be kind and considerate, and talk to me with with respect like a normal human being. This is something he has never understood, and the crux of all of our fights. He also does not take any responsibility. When there are things he has to do, he usually blows them off. Then when i get angry after telling him 20 times, he blows his top. I ask him why didnt he do his or that, he says "because i didn't ok?, kill me! why are you starting fights again" thats ok for a while or if you are a child, but doing the same crap for 17 years and you are pushing 50? I don't think so grow the hell up already! The only way he does anything is for me to be constantly on him 24/7. It is exasperating! Things got worse and is starting the verbal and emotional abuse again, because I am trying to get through into his head that what he is doing is wrong, and he is acting like the old mean guy again. Around 2010 we started going thru alot of trauma and heartache. One of our beloved kitties that we had for 13 years got cancer and we did everything we could for (surgery, chemo) we spent a fortune on treatment for her but she is our kid! she went down hill and fought hard but finally died in early Jan the next year. Sadly right before she died our other furbaby started having seizures. Right aged he sister died, her seizures got worse and she stopped walking and eating. As you can imagine I was fit to be tied, already broken and devistated from the first ones death. We tried everything but finally had to put her to sleep as well, 3 weeks to the day after the first one died. I dont have children, and These are my kids. There were no words to express the sorrow. I am a feeler and a crier, and he is not. Although he did after they died. The week after, we drove by our apt window and I said to him how sad it was to not drive by the window and see them there and see to him "our babies are there". And i started to bawl at just that simple realization, and how much that hurt. He went crazy and yelled and screamed and told me to shut up. With that He broke my heart. I went crazy at how insensitive he was, told him off and threw my drink on him in the car. He went nuts and punched me in the arm a bunch of times. I punched and scratched back. In self defense. Oh my god! I was in hell all over again. I could not believe that this was happening to me all over again? Did he really change or was it just a act to keep me? Was he ever truly a Christian at all? He's just the same old jerk he has always been. Nothing has changed. And now I am married to the jerk and stuck. Was Satan keeping me controlled through marrying him? Is that possible. At that point I checked out of life. Sunk into a deep depression. I felt trapped, hopeless, and helpless, but tried to honor promise to god when I married him. That episode was two years ago. Since then it's gotten worse. The cycle continues, build up, blow up, sorry, and the honeymoon period. But it's so weird, he can blow up on me, he gets ugly, sometimes physical. And right after he acts like nothing happened, and expects me to as well and does not want me to bring it up. It's gotten so bad and he is so nasty with the verbal abuse, that i attacked him when he started. I was never like this. Nov of last year, My mom was in the hospital and they thought she had deadly heart blockages. I came home from the hospital and he started being rude and insulting and I just punched him in the stomach! I just could not take no more. What kind of person could do this to their wife when their mom might be deathly Ill ? He was monster. I just wanted him to grow a heart or at the very least just shut up and leave me alone! I just saw red and I don't even remember doing it! I was amazed that I had did that. it was so unlike me. He was astonished, at first the he punched me as hard as he could on my arm. It was like lightning went through me, I am surprised he did not break it. It was like I was a guy he met in the alley and had a fight with. I had a black and blue bruise the size of a huge grapefruit. ( cont on next post)...

(continued from the posts below)...I think things really got bad when his brother moved in. He moved in with him because his wife stole and embezzled over 20,000 from her job as the book keeper of a company. She was put in jail for 6 years, and they lost the house because of it, so they moved in with him. I started having problems within my family and work, and sank into a deep depression. Through all this termoil, i had a encounter with god that changed my life I started to get closer with the lord through reading the bible and the teachings of td jakes and joel osteen. Thank god i had that to fall back on because the worst was yet to come. In dec of 03 he said there were things he had to get off his chest. He told me that he cheated on me several times with his brothers' wifes' sister who had a thing for him since they were kids(they all grew up together)and also he had cheated on me with other women and prostitutes! (insert bug eyed smiley here) that for me was the last straw! I was done with him ended it right there. I ended all contact. I went on with my life and met someone new. He was a little younger than me, but we hit along good and had fun together. We even got engaged! On my birthday night after a nice evening with my fiancé, I returned home to find flowers and balloons from "the kitties" ( our cats who still lived with him) I ignored it as I was so happy with my new guy. Things were going well but he turned out to be too immature, and not who I thought he was. After all I had been through with my ex, I was not gonna put myself in that position again. I ended it with the new guy and moved on. My ex found out that I broke off the engagement and just thought he was going to step right back into my life! I said no way no how, i want him out of my life and refused to speak to him. He begged me day and night to not desert him, even just as friends. He became paranoid and started acting crazy. He threatened suicide and his friends and family were frantic. I work in a hospital and they begged me to help him and convince him to go into the psych ward. The last thing I wanted to do was help him, after all the pain he put me through, and part of me said "don't do it", "you will just get sucked back into the vortex of mess and dysfunction", but the god in me came out and told me that I could not desert him. I should have listened to that still small voice. Now i wonder was that god or the devil. ( will continue next post)

Continuing my post from below.... So I was trying to pick up the pieces of my broken life, but was damaged and alone as I lost touch with my former friends who were probably sick to death of hearing about my horrible relationship. He started trying to get back in touch with me, at first I resisted but after a while ( I was so lonely and missing my best friend) we stared talking as friends again. Then we started dating and sleeping together and I was hiding it from my family who would have been very upset if they knew. After I moved out, his brother and two kids (18 and 19) moved in the apt with him. They all smoked weed all the time and did coke, and my husband started smoking weed again...alot. He used to smoke weed during his first marriage, and blamed it for the actions leading to his divorce with her. He denied doing coke, but I am not sure I believe him, as he pathologically lies.
His brother hated me and started telling me that his brother never loved me and was using me. And would be very friendly towards me one minute, acting like he wanted to be friends, then passive aggressive towards me, making indirect threats. I moved back in with my parents and My family finally found out that we were seeing each other again and were not happy at all. Things between us got really bad again and we stared fighting all the time. When things got bad I was not going to take the abuse anymore, so I broke up with him, stopped taking his calls, and would not see him anymore. Then one of us (usually him) came crawling bad. It became a pattern and would happen alot for the next three years. It was easier to untangle myself from the situation when I lived with my parents. We were broken up from dec 01 to sept 02, dec 02 to feb 03, and nov 03 to may 04. It seemed to get the worst around nov or dec and I would take to calling it his christmas crazies. Lol It was all so confusing and I was as time went on was getting stronger as a person and in my assertion that in my heart it was not right and god had something better for me. When I was younger, I always thought that it was my fault and I was doing something wrong and something to deserve this, and blamed myself for it all. I was caught on a hamster wheel of disfunction. But as time went on I knew I could not abide by this anymore. As I look back as to why I put up with this, It can only be that I grew up in a dysfunctional household with emotionally and verbally abusive parents. That's the only reason I can think of. But my eyes were finally starting to open to see that I could not do this to my self anymore. (will continue post)....

What if you supposed to let someone go, but you kept running after them and you married that person? I need advice in the worst way. I met my husband in 1995, we moved in thogether in 96 ( I know, that was my first mistake, what did I know I was 20 and did not think a peice of paper mattered. I was young and dumb) and he was verbally, emotionally and sometimes physically abusive to me for years, as well as break things I had bought, he cheated on me, he even abused pets we had. At first, I was so hurt and devistated by it. Crying and begging him for reasons as to why he was treating me like this if he loved me so much. Then I got angry and started sticking up for my self. When he screamed, I screamed back, when it got really bad, I would physically attack him back. It was ugly and horrible. His family did not make things better. He is puerto rican from the south Bronx, and his family is rough and rude and hated me, a mild mannered,
quiet, church raised white girl right off the bat. His mother would tell him that all these fights were my fault, and that he did not love me. This went on, getting worse as the years went on. In dec 2000, we got into a huge blow out and I got arrested for scratching him in self defense when he punched the hell out of my arm. He told the cops that it was my fault and he did nothing. The bruises did not show up until the next day. They then asked me if I wanted to press charges, I like a fool said no. They then
Treated me like the abuser and made me move out the the apt, and take anger management classes. It was the ultimate insult added to injury. I was a mess, broken hearted, and just broken up by all of it. After I moved out I did not see him for about 8 months. I was living with a friend, and trying to mend my soul and life of this trauma.

 in response to Peaches53...   Thanks for your response. It is so difficult to trust again but I am trying to move forward. sorry for your loss in the marriage too. I am telling you its like death. It is so heart breaking to think you have slept with a man you thought you knew and all seemed ok to the last minute. I mean we had problems like every marriage. Nothing is ever perfect but he lied to me to his church to his children and to himself. I dont know how he could think he could just leave it all for lust and go back to an ex girlfriend from 22 yrs ago and think he could just pick up where they left off like nothing happened. He is a horrible person and I am asking God to take the pain away and help me to forgive him because I have not yet done so. I have a wonderful man now who truly loves me and whose heart was also broken by his ex wife. Tell me more about your story. I would love to hear if you dont mind.

 in response to k.E...   Your not alone man....I went thru the same thing with a woman I was in love with. I lost my job, my passion for life, everything. I went to even went to see a psychiatrist to get put on prozac. I still dont know how I could love someone who was so horrible to me behind my back. She was revealed by God....Stay close to Jesus, thats why the Bible says to put him first, he will never leave you, but reward you in unbelievable ways....but pray and have faith in him

 in response to rbsingle59...   I am so happy for you, you finally is going to find love that you deserve. The same thing happen to me, I was in a 13 year relationship, I thought everything was good between us. We went on a cruise in December 2010 and that was the last of our relationship. He just walk out of my life.It's very devastating and painful.But we are survivors and God will bring us the right people into our life. God is Awesome....

 in response to Shon39...   shon39's we will pray for you. You've (God) has did the biggest thing by reading this wonderful poem t.d. jakes has given us.

 in response to CY geisha...   I know that right. I'm going to do the same.

 in response to k.E...   Don't walk away just spend a lot of time with God

ever since i read this poem i am a different person, it helped me make a difficult decision, so thank you T.D Jakes. God Bless

Let it go the best 3 words I've heard in a long time it really works I have been holding on to so much for so long I lost myself I plan to read the book and make the necessary changes in my life I'm sorry to all the people that I offended from this point I will enjoy the new me .